Lately, some of my very close friends has been dealing with separation, divorce and bitterness with their other half. It is very sad when two people who used to love each other turns into hating each other or chose to stop fight by ending the relationship. Even though I might not agree with divorce, I totally understand why people do that. I am a product of a divorce household. As sad as it might seem, some people are better not to be together in the first place. I have to be honest and say that I wished my parents were getting along well, but they were not. In fact, divorce might be one "good" decision they have ever made. I feel so sinful by saying it.
As a Christian, I am against divorce for sure. But, when your life is in danger of spousal abuse and other things that might make you or your children in danger of losing their lives, then you should seek help. Divorce should and must be the last decision in every marriage. Fight for your marriage, try very hard to make it work and be selfless. It is not a sign of weakness, it takes courage to be humble, in order to win something as important as your marriage.
There are a lot of things that made you realize that you need to end the relationship. It might be because you found a new one (aka cheating lol), comparison with others that seemed and might be better than your marriage, differences, abuse, financial troubles, and a million other excuses and reasons.
One of them that you might or might not realized is the OUTSIDER factors.
Now, let me explain, the insider first. The insider are your spouse and only him/her. Then comes the second layer of insider, your children. The outsiders are your parents, your family, your in laws, friends, co worker, stranger, celebrity and etc.
Don't get me wrong, family and friends are one of the most important people in our lives. But, they can either make you better, break you apart or cheer you to your divorce gates. For some cases it might be good, but for a lot of cases, NOT!
I have heard wives complained about how their in laws are so-very annoying, and too involved in their lives. I have heard husbands who complained of how much the in laws makes their wives turn against him. As funny as it gets, but your family can destroy your own marriage. Be careful and be very wise to filter and judge which information is useful and which are trash.
If you have a great family, thank God! But if you have a family who is more like a dictator than a loving parent, then be careful. Don't let this "outsider" decided whats best for you. Listen to them if they are right, but avoid them if they are trying to break what suppose to be unbreakable.
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A loving family and friends will not want to watch you fall into a deep valley of depression, abuse or never ending hurt. If they are trying to help, they will also do it out of love and respect toward your spouse. They are not the one who is living your marriage life, you and your spouse are, for life.
A loving family and friends will always be there for you. Not just when things are great, the grass are green. They are there when the sky is dark. They suppose to love you and at least show some concern when you are struggling or down in life. Those who showed up when things are great, happy and fun, are those who only love you
IF and
WHEN things are good. Those are NOT your real family and friends.
They might be related to you, but they do not care about you. Those who were there when you were on top of the mountain and when you are all the way down in the valley, are those who truly loves you and care about you.
I hate it when family judging you based on their own feelings and not facts. I dislike when family member taking credit for something that they were not even care in the first place. You know, the one who THINK they deserve the glory because they are family but NEVER act like one. I found it both funny and annoying.
Next time when you fight with your spouse, ask theses questions in your head:
- What did your spouse do that caused you this fight?
- Who and what influenced you to fight? Is it between the two of you or is it because of other people? including your family and friends!
- What will you gain after this fight is over? It it to become better or worse?
- Is this fight even worth it?
Don't confuse between advice and order. Don't let other people determined your happiness or dictate you how to live YOUR marriage. Some grass are greener, because you do not live there. Some marriage seems better because thats how they wanted you to see it. Everyone has problems in marriage, but not everyone is wise enough to fight for it. Even worst, when you ended your marriage or fight constantly because of the
"Outsiders."
Remember, value their opinion, filter it, but don't let them decide or dictate how to live your marriage life.
Parents, RESPECT your children's spouse.
You must let them live their own lives and trust them. Your involvement is needed when asked, but it does not mean you could interfere their lives all the time. On the other hand, be there for your children and their families as a helper that they wanted you to be, not as a "god" who control everything. Some parents still can't believe that their boy or girl is a grown up and is married and is capable to love their spouse. God intended for them to love each other. Human, including family and friends, should not break their love!
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xoxo,
Lindsay
