I have heard and experienced myself this issue, how many of you, girls, who think that man is THAT dumb?, and how many of you guys who think that women are just too complicated to understand?.
How many times do you (wife) tell your husband to do a specific chores and he said, “OK”, and never do it or do it wrong or do it two weeks from that time you asked him to do it? (and that because you were yelling at him).
People said that men and women build differently which I am totally agree with and I dont wanna be a man anyway. I love my body! Men and women are wired differently, which is so true. Now the question is how can we connect this two totally different type of human being and make it able to live under one roof?.
Its funny when we were dating and we day dreaming about how life will be so romantic when we get married,living with the one we love, cuddle, sweet talk, candle light dinner, staring at the stars with arms wrapped at each others, talking about when we have kids and even think of their names, dates night and making love all night long under the sky..BLAH!!!
I am not saying that marriage life is horrible or crazy or boring. Well sometimes it is kinda boring hahaha..my point is this, when we were dating, we dont always see him or her in their worst time. We dont see the bad side of them, because when we were dating. We try to impress our girl or guy. We try to be the best, to look good, smell good and nice hahaha..when we get married, unfortunately, the bad side will shows up AND like it or not, it will.
WHY? because when we get married, we cant have a fight and go back to our house just like when we were dating. Marriage means we live in the same house. When we get married, sometimes we dont see the Armani suit he was wearing when we were dating instead we see him wearing his boxer only and he see us wearing a gigantic shirt, hairs all messed up, mascara all over the eyes, swollen crying eyes and yelling mouth ..urgghh..you girls out there who laugh and think it wont happen to me..wait until you get married darling LOL.
OK..now, why do we have to fight? Dont we love each other? thats the question we have to remind ourselves when we are in this situation. Your husband or wife is NOT the enemy, in fact, we are in the same team. We are trying to win TOGETHER. We dont play the blame game, we play the fair game. Now what is fair game? Both sides are wrong , both sides are right, meaning what?
Here are some tips,that I find helpful :
1.Pray
Pray is the most powerful tool you can use. It doesnt cost money, it doesnt need a specific place or time or person. Its only require yourself, your needs and heart to talk with God. Praying not only it slows your anger down, you will be amazed on how much someone or something can be done, changed or even turn upside down because of a simple prayer. You can change life with a simple pray.
2. Say “I am sorry”
Admit it when you are wrong and listen to the other party’s needs as well. Do not say “I told you so” when he/she is trying to say I am sorry, it will ruin the moment.
IM SORRY doesnt mean we lost or weak. It means we are mature enough to confess it out loud. Im sorry means my love is bigger than my ego or pride or issue.
3. Think before you speak or even yelling,control your emotion.
“but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. ” 1 Peter 3:4
Women, we have a hard time to tell the same old instruction over and over again. We have a hard time to control our yelling and our emotion. But it is actually helping us when we do. Men dont use emotion as much as we do,they use their logical thinking,they use their head. Instead of us yelling at them, why dont we try to tell them slowly LOL
4. Understand your differences.
He is a man, you are a woman. Your brain functions differently, your body builds differently. You come from A family, he come from Z family/upbringing. You had certain past and so did he,dont push the HOT button,it will burn you down!
I have an American, white man and I am an Indonesian, Asian girl LOL. Now you see, that, right there is a huge differences. Two different world, culture, language, upbringing, education, family, etc. I understand how differences can make a difference in someone’s life. I know what it feels like to feel “alone” in other country. I know what it feels like to go to a party and they cant even understand or know where you were coming from. I know that sometimes I take some words wrong from my husband and in fact thats not what he meant at all. If you dont realize your differences, you are in trouble!
5. What is his/her points?
Listen to what he/she is trying to tell you when you are in an argument. Argument is not a bad thing, argument is needed when you are trying to make a point and the other party dont realize it or maybe dont see it that way. Argument becomes bad when it leads you to anger. Argument has to have points, reasons and lead to a conclusion. Emotion will play great deal in an argument, but try to think logic as well. Sometimes we have to set aside our emotion in order for us to be fair. The points the other party is trying to tell you might be the answer of why things go wrong, and so many times we missed the point and has no conclusion because we dont listen, or dont want to or because we are yelling.
6. When you get the point, see what is missing?
What I meant is that we wanted other people to understand our point and they tell us their point as well. Now what if both of us are right or wrong on inconclusive?. Thats when you need to think of the missing ingredient or the missing point, the hole, something to fill so that things or this issue will work for us.
7. This is not a game.
Like I said, we are in the same team, we are not enemies even though the devil and your ego will say that you are not a team and you have to win. Blame game is not working, it will only makes it worst. Silent game sometimes working but so many times not, it is just like a time bomb waiting to explode. Yelling game will not work, yelling only builds anger, bad words comes out, hurt feelings and miss the point. So what is the best strategy?
a. Discuss it at the right time/moment, not when wifey is giving ur kid a bath with squeaking duck all over the tub. Not when hubby is just come home all tired from work and want to relax. Not when wifey is watching her favorite tv shows or hubby is watching the football games of his favorite team. Not when the kids are around playing and yelling or crying. Not when both of you are angry.
b. Dont blame him/her, confess your weaknesses and ask him/her to help you with that area.
c. Work together as a team. Of course we will make mistake,of course we will have winning and lost season,but we are still in the same teamand our goal is to make this team the best team ever!
8. Give them “space”
We need our alone time. By alone time I dont say it is gonna be “just me world”, it means we need sometime to be with no one. I just wanna be alone, pray, write, or listen to a music, work out or gardening. Do whatever it is to make me happy and can face well..”you” :)
We also needs some "friends" time. It means that even though we are married, it doesnt mean we cant have friends. We still can hang out BUT dont hang out with those who will ruin your marriage. If you know that man still have the thing for you then dont go out with him, if you know that clubbing will make you husband or wife hates you then dont go to clubs with ur friends (Without ur hubby or without his permission, even though I am not a clubbers, but some marriages works differently than mine).
We also needs some time to do our things, hobbies, sports, working ,dreams,etc. Give each other a “space” so they will not get tired and sick of your face ONLY!
Give them time to miss you ;)
9. Enjoy your life TOGETHER
Of course you or your husband will need sometime for themselves and their friends, hobby, work, video games or whatever in their life. But whatever reason that brings you to marry each other, must be something more than just our own life. When someone ask you to marry him and you said yes, it was not just a fire work occasion. It is something special, something that you know you need in life, the togetherness.
You see, God created us, human, to depend on each other. We are the only creature who needs to have others to help us. Animals dont even know world,but when they comes out from their momma’s womb, they can stand, walk, swim, feed themselves, find a girlfriend, break up dont even cry instead they find one already LOL.The point is we cant be like animals. Since we were born, we already need someone to feed us, take us places, teach us, talk with us ,have a relationship with us. Now that is why togetherness as husband and wife is important.
Why you like him/her? Why did you fall in love with that person? Thats the core of your question. Don't ever lose your “first love” to a simple argument, an annoying habit, a differences,to anything. Love what keeps us together right? lol
10. Nothing is too hard, impossible or cannot be done.
Divorce is not an answer! Separation might needed in some cases like an abusive relationship.The D word is the end of it, so try to avoid it and do not think or talk about it. Instead get help that you might need to save your marriage.
Do whatever you can, as long as it is not something that is wrong, to save your marriage. You will never know how much that person means for you until you dont have them anymore, you will never understand whats lost is until you had one.
When you dont feel the same love you had for him/her it doesnt mean you dont love him/her anymore. Even if you feel like it and you want to have someone new, what makes you think that the next person will love you the way you want to be loved? You were loved once. You know what love means, feels and can do to you. If you lost it, then find it back, not the feelings, but the things that you use to see in your spouse. Find it back dont give up on it, you might never feel it again in your life.
One last point I wanna make :
11. But every husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and wives should respect their husbands.(Ephesians 5:33)
This is an important verse for every marriage, its the recipe. Understand that God ask the man/husband to LOVE their wives, because love what women needs. Love the wife as he loves himself, no “me” doesnt love “myself”. So this is not a hard thing to do, love her as you love yourself. And God ask the wife to respect their husband, because a man has their pride, they want their wife to show their love by respect them. Respect means you honor him, you serve him out of love, you adore him, etc.
When we are yelling at them, when we call them names, when we flirt with other men, when we become the head of the house, we disrespect them. When a husband abuse his wife,when a husband molested their kid, when a husband lazy and not working, when a husband throw things at the wife, when the husband is not faithful to his wife anymore,he doesnt love her or himself.
A lot of marriages falling apart because they forgot this verse. They forgot the vow they made at church. They dont wanna remember this verse, know it but dont do it, or expect others to do it but they dont do it to the other.
You have no idea how the devil is trying to kill and destroy marriages these days. He makes the husband and wife do not respect and love each other anymore. He switch love to any kind of wrong doing. How many people are dead because of “love”? They kill themselves, cutting ,do stupid things, they had sex just to make the other party happy, hate their parents ,etc.
How many victims of abusive relationship who say “but I love him, that's why I stay” or “I love him, that's why I kill his other girlfriend” or “I hate my parents, they dont like my boyfriend”. You see how love, which is created and is God and is good, get switched into a million of bad things?
God is love, love means obeying God, anything you or I do that is disobedient is not love. The devil trying so hard to destroy the word LOVE, because he wants us to see God that way. He knows that God is love,and he is trying to destroy that images.
Marriage is a blessing,its not a happy ride all the time, but it sure is a fun ride. Why? because I am with the one I love and he loves me too, thats whats important :)
xoxo,
Lindsay
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