Today, I would like to write a little bit about my life as a Military Wife, which I know many of you who are on the same shoes as I am, would relate a lot. On the other hand, I would like to write this for all of you who are not in the military or wanted to know what it takes to have a spouse who are serving his/her country with honor, loyalty, courage and commitment.
This is a story from my own perspective as a Military Spouse, those who are also serving without the uniform or the rank and many times the recognition (LOL), but holds a VERY IMPORTANT and the hardest job in the world.
Let's start, shall we?
The "D" Word
This is the word that no military family wants to hear, know or even say it (HA!). Ladies and gentlemen, meet Mr.D a.k.a DEPLOYMENT! What is so hard about deployment? oh wow, where do I start?
- The LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP (LDR). This is not just a regular LDR, this is an extreme LDR. Why extreme? well because darling, we could not contact our spouse anytime we wanted, we could not visit them at all, we could not listen to their voices or see their faces every time we missed them or when the kids wanted to talk to their mother/father. It is not just the distance that separates us, but the job, the responsibility, the reality that we could not talk to them anytime we need a friend, an uplifting words or love, just like any other LDR. In fact, we must wait for them to contact us, when they can, which could mean an hour from now, a day from now, a week from now, a month from now. You will never know when your phone will be ringing and what kind of news you will find out. Your phone must be on all the time due to time differences and if your spouse is in the Navy, which mean they are not on the land, you must wait until they reach the next port or destination, which could take weeks even months of not knowing where they are, what they are doing. Their internet is not always "working", which means you will not receive any emails, let alone a phone call for days/weeks.
- The Wait. Deployment could go from six months to fourteen months (even in the Navy, we get mobilized for twelve to fourteen months as well), so you must be very patient and creative to keep yourself busy, occupied and functioned without your spouse to take care of you and your children. You must be the father and mother to the children at the same time. You must be the one who keeps everything together, to stay strong, to wait patiently, even when things do not go well with you.
- The Communication. Like I stated above, communication is very hard, especially being a Navy wife, because they are on the sea, which means we must wait for days to weeks until we finally talk to them on the phone, usually when they arrive at their next port. The internet on their ships are not helping either, so even for emails, we must wait for a long time for a very short email saying, "I am OK, how are you? gotta go!". HA! It also depends on the type of job your spouse hold, some have more time to write an email or make a phone call, but for those who must keep the ship running well, they hardly have time for themselves to eat, let alone write a long email. That is my husband! LOL. You must wait by your phone at all times, checking emails and mail often, just in case they call or write, you do not wanna have that missed call. Oh, the anticipation, the missing you so much, the I love and hate you so much are very typical during the deployment.
- The News. There are two types of news, the good and the bad. The good news are that he/she is alive and well or coming home early. The bad news are he/she is sick, wounded, deployment get extended and the hardest one is that he/she will not coming home alive.
Tips to survive deployment:
- Contact your ombudsman, stay in touch with other spouses in your husband's ship/unit.
- Pray a lot
- Stay busy and fit, do something good for yourself, create a routine like working out, work, do fun things with your family, visit your family/old friends
- Make sure your phone is on, checking emails/mails.
- Stay away from temptation lol, you know your weaknesses. Stay away from negative people as well, stay close to the uplifting friendship.
- Sending emails, letters (love this), and care packaging is fun to do.
- Get involve in an organization that will make you feel good about helping other people. That way you will not feel so bad about your own situation.
- Make a goal for the homecoming (losing weight, having baby, go on vacation), something that you are looking forward to do.
- Hope for the best and prepare for the worst as well
The "F" Word
This is the FAMILY word. Starting a family is sweet and beautiful, but when your spouse is in the military, this could be bitter sweet. There are women who are going through their pregnancies without their spouse by their side, there are military men who missed the birth of their children and only see the video or pictures of the "big" day. They will miss most holidays and important days, birthdays-valentines-anniversaries-Christmases-new year- fourth of July- thanksgiving- baby started walking- soccer games- sick days- sad days- happy moments, etc.
There are times when you are sad or lonely, but you must stay strong for your children and yourself because your spouse is not present to help you out, even though they wanted to help you at that moment. Deployments are not the only time we are separated with our spouse, there are underway (which could take two weeks or more in the Navy, almost every month), there are late nights, work on weekends or special days/holidays, conferences, training and other job they must fulfilled when they are not on deployment.
The moving could be very hard and stressful as well. You must move to a lot of places and let's face it, moving is a pain the a*s (excuse the language). If you have children, it is more stressful for them as well because they must leave their friends, school, etc and started a new life again.
If you are like me, whose families are on the other side of the world, then we bear a heavier burden. You never know how hard it is just to talk with your mom and you must wait for the right time (time zone is different, night for you-morning for them), you must find the right connection (internet and phone do not always cooperate), you could not visit or talk to your own family anytime you want or need them and your spouse is not available due to their job. You are all alone, but you must survive as well! Tough?..no try..toughest! :)
Family is your strongest supporters, but sadly not all of us get along with our own family or the in-laws and that makes your life even harder, but it does not mean impossible. You just have to blocked the negative stuff in your life and focus on the positive sides and work on it.
The "L" Word
This one stands for loneliness (and many times literally alone). You could be surrounded by thousands of people, but you still feel empty and sad, because you missed your spouse to create beautiful memories and sweet moments. Sometimes you just miss his/her presence, even when they are not doing anything, you just miss their smile, their voice and their touch and they are not available for a very long time LOL.
Loose Lips Sink Ships
Well this is when your role as a spouse becomes James Bond as well, LOL, because there will be information that you know about what your spouse is doing (his mission), but you could not share or talk or even think about it with other people, not even your own children or parents. You must keep it all to yourself because if you open your mouth and talk about it, you will put your spouse and the rest of his team and country in danger, they could get in trouble, even death because of your unguarded talk. Be aware of your words and the information you share with your family and friends, especially on the phone or the internet (such as social media, emails, etc). You do NOT wanna kill your own spouse!
So remember, Loose Lips Sink Ships or OPSEC is VERY important!! This goes to those who are serving in the military as well. I have military wives who talk (proudly) with me about their husband's mission that supposed to be a secret. Seriously?! Shut up and hang up the phone!
There are things that the military member could share with their spouse only (not with the rest of the family), there are things that everyone should know, there are things that only they know and we, the spouse, will not know the where-when-how-what they are doing.
The Other Woman
Her name is AMERICA. You must share your husband's love, compassion, loyalty, courage and commitment for America. You might be the second priority on the list because America will comes first and that is an order! Just deal with it and understand that your husband is making a huge different for the American people and other countries that they helped out (it is not all about war, they also help building houses, schools, bridges, humanitarian work, medical for free, education, etc).
PTSD
PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You expect your "old" spouse to come home to you, but something has changed and it affected your life and him in a hard way. This is a hard situation to deal with and please seek some professional help. Please check out these websites:
and Press 1,chat online, or send a text message to 838255 to receive confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Adjusting
Adjusting your life after the deployment might be hard for some people because we are dealing with the stress, different time zone and welcoming the spouse after that phase is sweet and challenging at the same time. If you chose to leave the military and becomes a civilian, then the challenges are still there. I know a lot of service members who left their military career and they are actually lost and there are others who loves it, so this is a conversation topic that you and your spouse must talk about before you make a decision.
There is also another option of becoming a civilian and join the Military Reserve, it is not as easy as it seems because they are juggling their civilian jobs, military jobs, family and sometimes school as well. The stress level is different and yes, deployment is still a possibility as well LOL.
The Knock On The Door
This is by far the hardest battle of them all because you feel like you lost yours in a very hard way. The knock on the door means you will see military men/women in uniform standing on your front door and they will tell you that your spouse is dead. I am sorry for the blunt words, but that is the reality and simple way to express it. The tears, the confusion, the what to do now, the funeral, the media, the family, the children, the stress and the denial, the horror is just unforgettable. I would not wish this on anyone, not even an enemy. It was a dark time, terrifying moment and unspeakable sadness, the unanswered questions, the "we suppose to grow old together" moment, the small children who may never know their dad/mom, etc. My heart and prayers goes out to those who are dealing with this as we speak now.
Being a military wife is by far the hardest job I have done, from keeping secrets, sanity and feelings to myself. I must find a balance between the military life and civilian life, I must ignore the hatred from those who thinks we love the war (which in fact, we hate the war because we are the one who suffered the most).
I must laugh at those who says their taxes pays for our lifestyle..bahahahah..your money will never be enough to pay the lost moments, life and death of our family member, who sacrificed all of that so that YOU could hang out at the park with your children, buy a coffee from Starbucks, go to school and work, complain about your life, demonstration on the street, etc. You have NO IDEA what it is like, unless you walk on our shoes! This is why I talk to my fellow military wives when I feel discourage, no offense to my civilian friends, but you could never understand what we are going through and your judgmental advises will not help as well. But, we thank you for your prayers, concern and trying to help us out.
Stay positive, do something good for yourself, enjoy your family time, be thankful for everything, keep praying, keep the faith, speak kind words, be a role model for other spouses, love your husband and try to tell him your concerns, worries and problems. On the other hand, please understand that you could either help your husband's career or destroyed it (his reputation, dreams, goals, passion, job, life).
The military life is not for everyone, but it does not mean it is impossible to live life to the fullest as well LOL. The friendship is awesome, the support system with each other is amazing, the strong mentality it builds and prepares you in life is beyond words, the benefits are not bad, the knowledge and wisdom that you learned is always a plus, the handsome-tall-muscular-clean shaved-strong-smart-hero husband is priceless!! woot woot ;)
My husband gave me this coin and he saluted me when he gave me the coin ;)
He is the sweetest thang!!!
Through War time and Peaceful time Babyyyyy!!
lol
xoxo,
Lindsay
